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Posts Tagged ‘sad’

I love that the abbreviation for Seasonal Affective Disorder is, literally, SAD. Because that’s how it makes you feel! 🤷

So I had a bunch of different ideas for a beauty blog tonight, but I literally couldn’t muster the energy to take pictures and swatches and pull one together. I’ve been trying to ignore it, but it’s definitely that time of year again. I always say February is my least favorite month of the year, with March close behind. The big holidays that were so anticipated and so close together (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve) are over… It’s getting colder and colder… Everything outside is dead… There’s snow and ice and it’s normally dreary.

As someone who has suffered from depression and various anxieties my whole life, you would think this would be a normal bout of depression, but since it hits me at the same time and with the same degree every single year, I’m going with SAD. It’s not quite as strong as a normal bout of my “normal” depression, but it bears a commonality.

Do you suffer? Here are some things I think might help:

1. Recognize it for what it is. If you are normally a cheery, happy go lucky person, don’t think something is “wrong” with you. If you Google it, one of the first things that come up is that this is very common, and especially common in the winter months.

2. If you need to, see a counselor or your doctor. Even if it’s only seasonal, I’m definitely an advocate of counseling if you think you need it. At any rate, it doesn’t hurt to try it, and you might end up sticking with it for other areas of your life.

3. Try to go with the flow. I try to post on my beauty Instagram 6 days a week, and I already missed two. It’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up. Tell yourself you will shoot for tomorrow and if you need to, make an outline or list of what you would like to do.

4. Do low-key activities. So you are having trouble getting stuff accomplished. That is ok, but you don’t want to just lie on the couch for two months straight. I have found (for me), that makes me worse. Don’t pressure yourself or plan anything stressful, but find easy things that will engage you a bit. Read a book you’ve been setting aside. Check out that Netflix series you wanted to watch. Swatch a ton of palettes just to swatch and compare, not for Instagram-worthy pics.

5. I haven’t tried these, but I hear a lot of people have success. Go tanning, get a therapy lamp, or get a weighted blanket. So the tanning is to just have some warmth to your skin to make you feel better. The weighted blanket helps you feel snug and secure. The therapy lamp thing is not a normal lamp, but it’s very bright and supposed to mimic the sun on your face/body.

6. Try to exercise and eat well. I am currently failing at both, but I recognize both make you feel tons better, whether you are suffering from SAD or even just anytime. Your body needs the right nutrients go function properly, and your body needs exercise to maintain itself. If you have a gym nearby, try it out a couple of days a week. Check youtube for some yoga videos. Check out the Tasty site for some new recipes with lots of greens and fruits 🙂

On top of all, be kind to yourself! And be kind to others. You might not be the only one around you going through something 🙂

I hope to have a normal beauty blog up later this week! Here’s hoping 🙂

-AV

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Sad Post

Okay, so I didn’t really want something like this to be on my blog, but I have to post this. And on top of that, I didn’t want this to be the first one after a long absence, but I don’t think anyone really reads these anyways, so I guess it doesn’t matter, lol. But I have studied some psychology, and I went to a counselor for a few years a while ago, and I know that a good way to help yourself get through something is by writing it down. Whether someone else sees it or not, just the action of putting it somewhere other than your head is some kind of therapy. So I’m hoping this helps, because this is something that has been plaguing me for almost a year now. And I just can’t let it go. If there are people reading this, I think a lot will be like–really? This is what’s upsetting you? But I think there will be some people who understand. And I should probably start off by stating: I am a very emotional, sensitive person. I sometimes don’t come off that way, because I’m very shy, and I generally have a fear of people, and I hate being around a lot of people…so I don’t typically share a lot about myself personally unless I know you very well…but I am very, very sensitive. Secondly, I love animals. Like, I think I love animals way more than humans. That being said, here is my story that still haunts me off and on, whenever, for whatever reason, it just pops back into my head.

I know someone (and I’m keeping these details vague, because it doesn’t matter) who has a barn, and because of that, people think it’s okay to drop their unwanted cats off at this place. The problem with this is, while this person doesn’t *hate* cats, they don’t think it’s necessary to do anything other than feed and water them, and let them stay in the barn if they want. Now, to a lot of people, that’s great. And I’m glad they at least do that much. But I am a strong advocate for getting animals spayed or neutered, because my mother and her mother and my other grandmother all have rescued strays their whole lives. So every year, some would move on, or some would die (I guess…I haven’t known this person more than going on three years now), and others would be fine…and they would breed. There are neighbors in the area also, and they have cats that wander…etc. So anyways, the first year I really knew this person, there were two litters of cats. Now, seriously, I LOVE cats. Like…love them like most people love their children. I just really bond with cats, moreso than other animals even. And I got really close with these kittens, despite my mother’s warnings of I was just going to be upset if something happened to them.

She wanted to try to get them spayed, and I wanted to, too, but I didn’t have tons of money, and I was living with my parents at the time, and they had tons of strays they were caring for already…and I didn’t want to upset this person, because (again for reasons we won’t be really specific about), I was in a position that I couldn’t really upset this person. It would have been bad for my life. So it was awkward. But I named them all, and they seemed to be doing well…

Well, it went on from there. The one neighbor had a really mean dog they let run, and it ended up grabbing a couple of the cats. And I was crushed. So that started my really trying to get them out of there. A few others just disappeared. I like to think someone else took them in, but I still don’t know to this day. But there were three of the kittens that were left, and I was going to take them, because I finally had a place to live of my own. This was almost a year from when they were born, and I was getting ready to get married.

One was very healthy looking and normal size for her age. One was male and had been somewhat sickly off and on. The third was also a female, and she was *tiny*. Almost a year old, and once I took her to the vets, I found out she weighed only 2.4 pounds. Anyways…it came down to that I was waiting on having the house better set before taking them to the vets and then straight home, but someone who knows the person who had the cats said (and by this person saying this, I knew it was serious) that the male cat was very sick. Like, lying on the porch looking like he was going to die. I freaked out. I called the vet we use, a great lady, and they said get the cat and bring him in. So I actually got two of them and took the one to the basement of where I would live (it was finished and warm, etc), and I took this cat to the vet.

This is the thing that haunts me. I promised these cats over and over again that someday they would live with me. That I would take care of them and love them forever. And this cat (I called him Metheus) was so sweet. And he was so, so sick. But I held him, and I told him that I would help him get better, and we would live together forever. LIke, he just stared me in the eyes the whole time as I was talking to him. Mom went with me. And the vet said how bad he looked, and she took some blood, and was running tests. Mom and I were in the room, and I was just holding him. He was looking at me, and I said, “I am going to take you home with me really soon.”

And the vet came in and said, “I’m sorry, but he tested positive for leukemia.”

And my heart just shattered. I’m crying now as I write this. She said he was so sick now, that it would just be harder on him to let him go. There was nothing they could really do. I just started sobbing, and I felt so bad because I could tell that the vet and her assistant were crying, too. And I said to have him put to sleep so he wouldn’t suffer anymore, but I couldn’t hold him while they did it. And I feel so guilty about that, but I just thought I was going to be sick at the thought of it. And even worse, I couldn’t even bury him. I was so, so upset. Just cried the whole way home. Called my fiance, and just cried. Mom had to bring him out in the carrier, and I touched him one last time when we got home and said goodbye. Mom buried him for me in a spot back in our yard that is away from our house, but it’s where other animals we have had are buried.

I actually just had to stop for a minute because I got so sad. And I just can’t get over it. The other two cats are still with me now, nearly a year later, and they are doing great. The healthy female is just a little fatter and very happy, and the little female has put on quite a bit of weight and is also very happy. I wouldn’t say she is quite “normal” cat size, as she is a little stunted length wise, but she is about 7 pounds and definitely looks and is healthy. And I just love them. But I cry every time I think of the other cats, especially Metheus. I just feel like I let them down. Like I lied to his face, and he believed me, and then I let him die. And I have had other animals die, but I guess these circumstances are just so different that I can’t let it go. He was basically the first animal I really had to “save,” and I failed. And every so often, I just think about it. His face pops into my head, and I just feel heartbroken all over again. The one night it hit me about 10 PM, and while my husband was sleeping, I went out onto our couch and just cried. I was up until 1 because I was so upset.

Now, I suppose I should also say that I’m also prone to anxiety and depression (like, dealt with major depression before)…so I know this isn’t a normal reaction (for it to be going on this long). I just feel so guilty. I also think this contributes to my fear of having children. What if I have a child, and God forbid they are sick (like, really sick)…I mean, this is how I react to a cat I never actually owned…how would I handle something like that? I don’t know…I think I’m done. Here’s hoping this helps. But provided how upset I am now thinking about it, probably not. If I ever get money and time, I should probably see another psychologist :/

As an end note, I had both of the other cats tested for leukemia, and by some miracle they were both negative.

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