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Archive for the ‘Ramblings’ Category

Apology on my absenses

Hello, blogging world! I’m going to post this short update/apology and hopefully at least post a quick BoxyLuxe update. I realize I am terribly behind on reading everyone’s blog, and also lost all semblance of a regular posting schedule ☹️ I’m very sorry. I am trying to hop on when I can and catch up on blogs even if I can’t comment on every one.

My life just suddenly has zero extra time in it. It has come down to I have time for either Instagram or my blog maybe half of the days in a week, and I decided to focus on my Instagram where I can because I can do both reviews and just looks in general. I hope to pick my blog back up regularly asap. Work suddenly went down hill and I went from getting my work done in a breeze to struggling to get it done with overtime included. On top of that, my 2 year old’s clinginess turned into an overwhelming clinginess. I can’t be out of her sight for a minute if she’s home with me. And she’s not passive lol…if I have my computer/phone/makeup out, she’s grabbing it and running like a wild child. And it went from my husband putting her to bed to I have to do that too. So 🤷 it’s been a little rough tbh. I feel like my anxiety and depression are coming back full force.

I was wanting to do a big BoxyCharm review as this marks one year of having it. I’m hoping I can piece it together and get it up next.

Love you guys!!! If you miss me terribly, my Instagram is also Avlovesmakeup. If you want to make sure I know it’s you to follow back, just DM me and say, hi I’m from WordPress 😊 ❤️

-AV

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I love that the abbreviation for Seasonal Affective Disorder is, literally, SAD. Because that’s how it makes you feel! 🤷

So I had a bunch of different ideas for a beauty blog tonight, but I literally couldn’t muster the energy to take pictures and swatches and pull one together. I’ve been trying to ignore it, but it’s definitely that time of year again. I always say February is my least favorite month of the year, with March close behind. The big holidays that were so anticipated and so close together (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve) are over… It’s getting colder and colder… Everything outside is dead… There’s snow and ice and it’s normally dreary.

As someone who has suffered from depression and various anxieties my whole life, you would think this would be a normal bout of depression, but since it hits me at the same time and with the same degree every single year, I’m going with SAD. It’s not quite as strong as a normal bout of my “normal” depression, but it bears a commonality.

Do you suffer? Here are some things I think might help:

1. Recognize it for what it is. If you are normally a cheery, happy go lucky person, don’t think something is “wrong” with you. If you Google it, one of the first things that come up is that this is very common, and especially common in the winter months.

2. If you need to, see a counselor or your doctor. Even if it’s only seasonal, I’m definitely an advocate of counseling if you think you need it. At any rate, it doesn’t hurt to try it, and you might end up sticking with it for other areas of your life.

3. Try to go with the flow. I try to post on my beauty Instagram 6 days a week, and I already missed two. It’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up. Tell yourself you will shoot for tomorrow and if you need to, make an outline or list of what you would like to do.

4. Do low-key activities. So you are having trouble getting stuff accomplished. That is ok, but you don’t want to just lie on the couch for two months straight. I have found (for me), that makes me worse. Don’t pressure yourself or plan anything stressful, but find easy things that will engage you a bit. Read a book you’ve been setting aside. Check out that Netflix series you wanted to watch. Swatch a ton of palettes just to swatch and compare, not for Instagram-worthy pics.

5. I haven’t tried these, but I hear a lot of people have success. Go tanning, get a therapy lamp, or get a weighted blanket. So the tanning is to just have some warmth to your skin to make you feel better. The weighted blanket helps you feel snug and secure. The therapy lamp thing is not a normal lamp, but it’s very bright and supposed to mimic the sun on your face/body.

6. Try to exercise and eat well. I am currently failing at both, but I recognize both make you feel tons better, whether you are suffering from SAD or even just anytime. Your body needs the right nutrients go function properly, and your body needs exercise to maintain itself. If you have a gym nearby, try it out a couple of days a week. Check youtube for some yoga videos. Check out the Tasty site for some new recipes with lots of greens and fruits 🙂

On top of all, be kind to yourself! And be kind to others. You might not be the only one around you going through something 🙂

I hope to have a normal beauty blog up later this week! Here’s hoping 🙂

-AV

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I am still getting over my cold, unfortunately, so I thought I would just do a short blog to end my Sunday 🙂

It seems like Christmas stuff comes out earlier and earlier every year. I saw stuff in Walmart before Halloween was here, and I stepped into one today for groceries and it was out in full force! Halloween left overs were heavily discounted and pushed aside, and fall decorations were being condensed as well. A lot of Christmas decorations have been out, but now the candy and gift sets were lining the shelves!

When I worked in retail, this really irritated me. It seems like there really aren’t that many Christmas songs, especially not the classics, so I would have to listen to the same songs over and over and over for close to two months! That would drive me crazy.

However, now that I’m out of retail…I do enjoy getting my Christmas shopping done early, so it helps me to have everything coming out already!

I refuse to let my husband (who is a Christmas nut) decorate our house until after Thanksgiving though 😂

I am already thinking about what greens and reds I have in my makeup collection for parties already though haha. Everything (makeup related) in the pictures is from Colourpop, one of my favorite brands!

What do you guys think? Does it annoy you to have all of the Christmas stuff out in stores already? I love fall stuff so I think they should keep fall out longer!

-AV

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So back when I started my blog I used to post about pretty much anything, and I know I talked about mental health/conditions off and on. I was hesitant to make this post since I’ve recently steered it completely in the path of beauty and makeup, but then I was like…it’s my blog 🤔 Plus I believe my tag says MOSTLY makeup 😂

So I’ve suffered from a slew of things over the course of my life, both mental/emotional and physical. One of those things is panic attacks.

I can’t really say when they started. For some reason I can’t put a time in my head. I remember my first bad one. It was my first week at college. There was a meet and greet thing for English majors. I of course didn’t know anyone but I walked from my apartment clear to the campus by myself to go. I didn’t think anything of it until I walked into the building and heard people talking and laughing down the hallway. And it just hit me. The restroom was right across from the door I went in and I just ran into the bathroom. I cried while staring at the mirror for a long time. I want to say 10-20 minutes. And I finally managed to walk out and leave.

I kind of knew what happened but sadly thought it was just me being overwhelmed by the newness.

From that point on I’ve had them semi regularly. I can go awhile without them but then will have them repeatedly for awhile. Most of them are not debilitating. I would feel them coming on at work and I learned how to get myself through them. When I had an office job I would put headphones in and listen to music or get up and go into the bathroom for a few minutes.

So what prompted this blog is that I had a pretty bad one a few nights ago. I get so frustrated now. I used to be nice to myself and calmly talk myself through it, but now I have a baby. Like I can’t just throw her down and cry in the bathroom for an hour if no one is around.

Luckily my husband was home. What set me off would probably sound dumb but it was something on TV. I kind of felt funny when the episode started and didn’t like the feel of it. But then this scene came on… And I lost it. The other thing is…I normally feel them coming and there’s almost like a build up. This one slammed into me. I actually saw the edges of my vision go black, everything felt tight, and I felt nauseous and like I was going to throw up. And I just started sobbing. My husband who is normally helpful said, Allie, it’s not real.

Which as you can imagine, did not help. I felt stupid on top of everything else. I blurted out, watch her (the baby), and ran out of the room. I basically hyperventilated in my bedroom for 20 minutes.

And I just didn’t feel right for a good 24 hours. My whole face was puffy, I felt sluggish and dull, and everything was just slow and not life like.

And the best part: I just picture what set me off over and over again in my head. Especially right before bed. I’m scared I’m going to dream about it, because I have very vivid nightmares that mostly involve me dying or getting hurt.

So it’s been a struggle still to be normal. I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like creating new makeup looks. I have been watching the beauty community drama like it’s my job on YouTube as a distraction.

In conclusion, if you have made it this far: panic attacks suck. If you suffer from them, you are not alone. If you can, get help. I will someday. I have other issues that I’m letting prevent me from doing so. And if you read this all, thank you 🙂 I will go back to my normal blogs!

❤️AV

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Wish Me Luck

So after I said I’m only posting makeup stuff, here is a not makeup post 😂 I will post my look of the day below.

Friday morning I am getting an infected, impacted wisdom tooth cut out of my face. The dentist mentioned bone saws so I can only imagine this will be a joyous occasion. I am actually not nervous yet but I know I will be that morning. I have been so, so lucky with my teeth. I’ve never even had a cavity. No braces. The only part of my body that isn’t messed up is my teeth! So I really don’t know what to expect. We can’t afford for me to go to an oral surgeon and be put under and have all 4 removed right now, so we’re doing this.

So anyways, I might not feel like posting until next week. If I have the energy though, I will keep posting looks on my Instagram if anyone is interested. Avlovesmakeup

Bh Cosmetics Take Me Back to Brazil, Phoera in Rose, and Too Faced Melted Latex in I’m Bossy (I want this color in a matte!!)

-AV

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So I have had this blog for several years, and I have taken two long hiatuses from it. However, I kind of just posted stuff from all over the place–original writings, political views, personal stories, music reviews… And it was easy to find stuff to write about but I wasn’t happy with it, and I think that’s why I left it those two times. Other than writing, I have really had no hobbies lately. I have different interests but they weren’t really things I would have a daily blog about (astronomy, Egyptology, and documentaries to name a few). But I love makeup. I wish I would have loved it sooner, because I feel like I’ve been playing major catch up over the past two years since I’ve really gotten into it.

But I decided that, with the rare occasion, this blog will focus solely on makeup, whether it be reviews, beauty tips, or showing swatches and looks. I changed my username to something less strange (shatterthedark is my email handle and I picked that about 10 years ago because it sounded poetic and dramatic, my favorites). I changed my tagline to something less philosophical (As if I was the ghost belonging to the fog, and the fog was a ghost of the sea, is a line from Eugene O’Neill’s play Long Day’s Journey into Night–my favorite play). I also changed my blog’s title to something less abstract (Till human voices wake us and we drown is the last line in my favorite poem of all time, TS Elliot’s The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock).

So I gave my blog a much needed makeover. I didn’t want to completely start over since I do have subscribers, so this will do for now 🙂

Looking ahead– I’m excited for the new Wet n Wild launch Flights of Fancy. I’m hoping I can find it in stores because I cannot order from their site for some reason beyond me. I also have my first order from Colourpop coming! And new month equals new Ipsy bag 🙂

I hope everyone is having a good week! Here’s my eye look of the night.

You know, a lot of people nay-say the tape trick for a winged eye, but this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a good one! 🙂

-AV

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I know I’ve posted about this before, but I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was the 10 year old who wouldn’t ask for anything for Christmas because I knew my parents were struggling with money and I was worried about them paying bills. I had anxiety over my looks, my weight, my friends, school, home…everything. It got worse as I got older and learned there was more to be anxious about. Jobs, bills…let’s be real, it’s pretty endless what you can be stressed and/or anxious over. Turn on the news. That will give anyone anxiety 🙄

I think since I had anxiety from such a young age, and part of my anxiety was self consciousness (and I didn’t want people noticing me or paying specific attention to me), I have what I have heard called “high functioning anxiety.” 99% of the people I know have no idea how anxious I am. Some have expressed disbelief when I list the different anxieties I have.

I do have good days and of course bad days. Some days I put off phone calls or leaving the house because I can’t deal with it that day. Other days I manage to go to the store by myself (that’s an extremely good day). Some days I lay in bed and cry because I’m so scared someone is going to break into our house and murder us (seriously…that is an actual fear I have).

My husband…he is so supportive but I don’t think he’s ever had anxiety. I can see it in his face that he just doesn’t understand. He supports me well though, for not understanding.

If you have anxiety…do what you can when you can. If you can’t leave the house that day…try again tomorrow. Celebrate small victories. Be nice to yourself. If you know someone with anxiety…just be there for them. Do what you can to help ease their anxiety.

❤️

-AV

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