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Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

I want to throw in some mental health posts or similar topics amongst my makeup posts. I feel like I find a lot of kindred spirits who are in the same or similar position to me.

I am only speaking on being a working mom because that’s all I have experience in. I am in no way or shape purposefully excluding the issues stay at home moms have…I just can’t personally speak on that topic.

In summary: man it is tough some days. Some days I have the most stressful days at work, then I pick up Genevieve (who is currently 17 months old)…my mom says she was a peach all day but then she just throws fit after fit all evening. I’m already riled up from work and it’s so draining to switch from work mode to mom mode. I can’t snap or be short with anyone at work, and I most certainly don’t want to with my baby. So all that frustration just stays inside. Super healthy.

Then there’s the guilt and longing. I want to be a stay at home mom. I long to do that while also feeling guilty that I’m not. Genevieve has started screaming and grabbing my legs when I drop her off at my mom’s house in the mornings. So I start my days sad and again, feeling guilty.

Then there’s the sadness. I’m working away and get a text…she just said a new word! Here’s a picture of her smiling away and playing. I want to be there, but I’m staring at this report on my computer.

I feel like this post kind of isn’t going anywhere, but days like today I just feel kind of scattered and sad. I had to call off work because I had no one to babysit and I had such a great day. I wasn’t nearly as stressed out as normal and Genevieve seemed happy to play with me all day. And I wasn’t trying to put cleaning up the house and doing errands into the 3-4 hours after work that Genevieve is with me and awake. I did stuff throughout the day and didn’t feel rushed. And I actually got some tasks done I had been putting off.

It’s hard to find time to post in my blog or take Instagram pictures or read up on new makeup. But I will just keep trucking along the best I can!

So to the working moms…I feel you. Keep doing your best! And cherish the time you do get to spend with your babies ❤️

-AV

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So I’m typing this from my phone while I lay in bed. If there are a bunch of typos, I apologize. I usually type on my laptop. I’m lying in bed because I’m blocking in my baby. Genevieve (G) is almost 11 months, and for the last 5 weeks, she refused to sleep in her crib.

This is honestly just the latest in a long list of sleeping woes for us. I try to not complain because we’ve been so, so lucky with G so far. Other than constipation problems at the beginning, sleeping is really the only problem we’ve had with her. But let me tell you…lack of sleep after over a year now is rough. I’ve had insomnia throughout my life, so I actually thought it wouldn’t bother me, but man…

The lack of sleep started when I was pregnant. Toward the end, my hips hurt so badly that I could only sleep 2 hours at a time. When she was born, she wanted to eat every two hours. There were many nights for the first month that I didn’t sleep at all. Other nights I slept from 9-1, pumped, then stayed up while my husband slept.

Once I went back to work at the 6 week mark, she was sleeping 4 hours at a time, so I was only getting 4 hours of sleep most nights. Even though o was exhausted, my prior issues with sleeping were still there. I’ve always had trouble falling asleep. The first time she slept through the whole night wasn’t until the end of her 9th month, and that’s because she was on bed with me. So I’m still not sleeping well. She’s the most active sleeper I’ve seen. She rolls constantly and kicks constantly. I’m usually crowded to the very edge of the bed. My wrist hurts so bad from how I’ve been sleeping that I’m afraid I have tendinitis.

And maybe it’s my fault. But I just have never been able to get her to sleep. For weeks she only slept on my chest while I was on a rocking chair. Then she would only sleep in a rock n play. Then she would only sleep in a swing. I finally got her in a bassinet around the 6 month mark but she was too big for it within a month. The crib just wasn’t working out so one night I threw her in my bed at like 1 in the morning and that was that. She screams bloody murder if I put her in the crib. The most she’s been in there was 2 hours the one night.

And I know all the things. Those aren’t safe places for babies to sleep. You just have to let her cry it out. Honestly, as hard as it’s been…I don’t want to let her cry it out. It’s just heartbreaking to hear her cry and yell “mom-mom!” And I’m such a light sleeper she’s not in danger, I promise. I keep telling myself she will grow out of it, and I hope she does. Blacking out at my desk during the day is getting tedious 🙄. Lol.

I’m sure everyone has stories. Share your sleeping woes, baby or not! If you have any suggestions other than crying it out, I’m all ears!! She’s such a sensitive and spirited kid already…and very, very clingy with me. I think it’s cruel to make her cry if I don’t have to :/

-AV

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New Mommy Guilt

“New Mommy Guilt” or just “Mom Guilt”…or “stay at home mom guilt” or “working mom guilt”…I’ve heard a lot of terms that vary only slightly to describe the same phenomena. For some reason, most women who are new mothers feel guilty no matter which path they have to take–stay at home with the child(ren) or go back to work.

I heard about it, read about, was warned about it…it didn’t matter. It flooded me the first day I had to go back to work and still, 9 months later, still floods me. In fact, I wasn’t even back to work yet and just the idea of going back to work would send guilt through me.

I’m a very emotional person to begin with, but then you add an extreme (EXTREME) lack of sleep in and for a long time afterward, my hormones trying to rebalance themselves…the feeling was overwhelming. Was I ruining Genevieve by not raising her full time? Would I miss out on every new thing that she did? Would she love my mother more than me?

The worst part is, I have so many fears and insecurities around my mother watching her 40 hours a week, and I know that I am so very lucky to have it be a relative who is watching her. I don’t think I could have given her to a stranger to watch. I really don’t. I think I would have told my husband we can go on food stamps. I have trouble letting anyone other than my mother watch her now. Every time I walk away from her, I just feel guilt. Even if she’s been a beast of a child all day, and I’m drained and overwhelmed…the second I leave her in the care of someone else, I get that (now) familiar pang.

If I didn’t work, we would be struggling. I know this, but it really doesn’t ease the feeling. It does make it easier as in, I can day dream about quitting but I know it’s not really a choice right now, but it doesn’t make the guilt go away. Not even a little. And I do miss things. My mom heard most of her new words before I did. She said Genevieve has been handing her and my father items and saying “tank you.” I haven’t heard her say it at all yet. And it’s hard. It really is.

Genevieve pulled herself to a stand all on her own this evening, and my husband and I were the first to witness it. My mom was so proud of her and then said, I’m glad you saw it before I did. And I know what she meant by it but it just made me feel kind of horrible all over again. What if I hadn’t seen it first? I would have been crushed. Still happy and proud of her, but crushed. Shouldn’t mommy get to see all of the firsts?

I have a feeling I won’t truly feel less guilty until she’s in school, but even then, if I miss out on projects or being a “room parent” (if they even still do that) because I’m working, I’m sure it will be back, rearing its ugly head.

But I have a friend who had to take FMLA and stay at home with her baby who is having some medical issues, and I know she feels a little guilty for not working. Even for a completely necessary, 100% understandable reason for not working…and I can tell it’s there. Why?? Why do women beat themselves up so much? And each other. I read so many judgy things from other mothers about what you should and shouldn’t do with your child.

New mommies everywhere, listen…you will feel guilty. Whichever path you take. Try to not dwell on it. If you start crying (I still cry constantly, but I’m still only getting like 4 hours of sleep a night if I’m lucky), let yourself cry and then just take a deep breath. You are doing the best that you can. And only you can know what is the best for you and your family. We need more love for each other. ❤

-AV

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