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Archive for June, 2013

I don’t really have any answers on this one…this is more of a contemplative subject, and it is something that I have struggled with for a long time. When is it okay to not forgive and forget? Am I a bad person for just forgiving and not forgetting? Is it wrong to hold grudges??

It normally (under normal circumstances) takes quite a bit to make me legitimately angry. And even then, depending of course on what made me angry, it usually doesn’t take me very long to get over it. I will just throw this out as an example. It’s a normal day and whatnot, and someone breaks something of mine. It wasn’t a priceless family heirloom, but it was something I liked and whatever. I would get mad, but it wouldn’t last. It’s not like I would freak out and tell them I never wanted to see them again (and chances of me having something really expensive for someone to break is slim, so we don’t have to worry about that, haha).

However, I am pretty open about one of my self-called “character flaws”–I tend to have a really bad temper. In other words, I *can* freak out. And when I do get mad, I am usually, like, *angry*…there’s not much of an in-between with me. Why bother with “kinda mad” when I can just go straight to “I’m going to rip your head off?” Just kidding…kind of. I do have in-betweens of irritated and annoyed and whatnot, but really…my “anger issues” is something I think I should work on, if that’s possible.

At least I will say this: I tend to do the forgive part a few times before I go into full-out “screw you” mode. I was talking to my husband the other day about a current instance of my having trouble getting over something, and I said something along the lines of, “Sometimes you get into these patterns, and they’re not good patterns. This person does or says something stupid, and I let it go. A few months later, this person does or says something stupid, and I let it go. And that just keeps happening, enough times that finally I get to the point where I think, this is just going to keep going. It’s going to keep going on and on and on until and unless someone breaks the pattern. And if I’m not happy with the pattern…well, I broke the pattern. Done. I’m 26 years old…why should I continually put up with something that isn’t good for me?”

And it’s interesting to talk to him because his temper is about non-existent. I’m sure I scare him sometimes, on the occassions where I’m really to literally punch a door so I don’t have to punch someone in the face (note: I have never actually punched anyone or physically hurt anyone in anyway). There are a few instances where I just finally had enough and was like, too bad. If you’re going to keep acting like that…I’m not talking to you ever again and you can just stay out of my life, thankyoubye. I like to think there’s nothing wrong with that. Some people think there is something wrong with that. But again…if this other person is not willing to change, or not willing to apologize, or not willing to take steps to try and fix the bad things they are doing to other people…why not cut them out of your life?

With friends, it’s easier. With family…not so easy, but I still think it somewhat stands. A lot of people would argue that when it’s family, you have to sit down and talk it out at length and even if that doesn’t work, you have to keep letting it go because “they’re family.” I don’t think that’s fair to me. When the person knows what they’re doing and they don’t care enough about fixing it to actually change it or offer apology and attempts to change and whatever…why should I stress myself out and just add more anger to my life?

I don’t know…it’s a very stressful thing for me, because I really don’t know what the best thing to do is. I guess it does count on the situation and the individual person. Does time have a factor in this? After I cut someone out of my life for so long, and then I start coolling down about it…should I listen to my inner voice that tells me I might as well forgive and forget, or I might regret it some day? Or if I do that am I just opening myself to going through it all over again, and maybe even having it worse? Ug…life is so confusing. Why can’t everyone just be nice and considerate to everyone else?

AV

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I admit, those are two completely different things to be talking about in the same blog. The reason I am, is because I am going to defend one, and I refuse to read the other. I was going to stick “50 Shades of Grey” in here also, and then I decided I will probably do another blog on that one alone. Here’s the thing: I’m not even really sure how many people read this, let alone what kinds of people would be reading this, but my guess is most people will disagree with me. And that’s fine. Even feel free to leave a comment, just please do it respectfully.

As a quick side note, I always find it interesting when, for example, I tell someone that I don’t like a certain author, book, song, singer, etc, and that person gets angry. Like legitimately upset with me. And it’s not that I’m freaking out and saying everyone that likes whatever sucks, I’m usually stating: I don’t like that [book, person, whatever]. It’s fine to argue, but why get really upset about it? Unless you personally know them, produced them, published them, etc, it is not an attack on you. Obviously.

Anyways, here’s the breakdown: I defend Dan Brown books. Not rabidly, but I read and enjoy his books (with an exception coming up). I love “dumb” books sometimes–ones that are written purely for enjoyment. They may have some historical facts in them, but despite or inspite of what they say, mostly the facts are twisted around to further whatever plot they’re going for. I don’t really care. If there is a big reveal and I’m all like, “Ooooh!! Awesome!! Didn’t see that coming!!”, then the author wins for me. There are times I just want to be entertained, I just want to read something fast-paced and exciting, and I think Dan Brown’s books are good for that. Not everyone agrees. I have heard people say that his books are boring and/or predictable. So if you’ve never read one of his books, keep that in mind. I would say the best one was “Angels and Demons,” his first Robert Langdon book.

As a side note: I think the movies ruined the books. I really, really do, and *that* upsets me. So if you only watched, like, “The Da Vinci Code,” and you’re like, wow this sucks…read the book and give it a chance. I honestly think Tom Hanks was an awful pick for Langdon’s character, and as with all movies, things have to be cut and simplified for the movie, etc. The only reason I went to see “Angels and Demons” was because I think Ewan McGregor (sp?) is pure amazingness, and I was super excited to see him cast in the role he was. And, actually, he did amazing in his role, but of course things were changed, and I was like…wtf…lol.

Anyways, Dan Brown just came out with his fourth Robert Langdon book. I was *so* *excited*. Mostly because it’s called “Inferno” and revolves around Dante’s “Inferno,” which I really like. I did two separate papers on it in college, and I just think it’s fascinating (not even for someone really religious…it’s just an interesting piece of literature). My bookmarker has been stuck somewhere within the first 80 pages and it has not moved for almost three weeks now. I don’t have a lot of time to read, but it’s not grabbing me, and that makes me sad. I know I probably just have to read more, but there is one problem with his books once you start reading them–there’s a little bit of an annoying pattern. Langdon is supposed to be really good looking, so of course he always meets this really attractive girl, and she’s always thinking things like, He’s really attractive. And then he’s thinking, She’s so attractive! And then by the end, they end up kissing or something, or there’s just sexual tension between them, and then by the next book you never hear of this chick again. Kind of annoying. Get over it. Can the romance crap, haha. So I’m annoyed at the minute that this pattern continued in “Inferno,” but I hope to finish reading it here eventually.

Second half: I refuse to read “The Hunger Games.” I will flat-out admit that if you are a die-hard HG fan, my reasons are probably not really all that solid. I don’t really care, haha. There are only a handful of things that I do “this” with, and you will see what “this” is, and HG just happened to fall into my lap at a moment when I felt like doing “this.” One reason is because it is so. freaking. popular. That is “this,” haha. When I don’t find out about something until it’s so incredibly popular that there are large crowds of people freaking out waiting for the movie or standing in line for the movie or, better yet, physically attack people who say they don’t like whatever it is…chances are I am instantly turned off. I don’t want to be a part of that. I read the “Twilight” books way before they got gaggingly popular, and I grudgingly read my first Harry Potter book basically after a lot of the hype was dying down (Yep, took me that long! Why? Because I started being told to read them when the first movie was coming out and it was becoming immensely popular.). I think it’s just because I get annoyed when people start swooning over actors and actresses when they’re not that good looking and not that good of actors just because they’re playing certain roles, and I think these fans act like nutjobs, and I don’t want to be associated with that. So I enjoy saying, “Oh, no, I’ve actually never read HG. Yeah, never.”

The truth is, I really haven’t, but I did try to read the first one when I worked at Borders. When the store was closing and everything was 50% off, I sat at the counter one dead evening and went through the first…maybe five pages? And I was like…omg, this is boring! I know a lot of books start off boring, but it did not capture my interest *at* *all*…with anything. The thing is, I knew a lot about them by that point, so this kind of goes along with my probably final point–

I hated “Lord of the Flies.” If you’ve never read it, go read it. It’s not that long, I don’t think…can’t really remember, because I read it in 10th grade. Required reading, and I think it still is for most schools at some point. Ug. I hated it. I hated it then enough that I don’t even want to go back and try reading it again as an adult. From what I heard about HG, that’s all I can think about! It’s like LotF. Children killing other children! I don’t want to read that! When it’s, like, the whole plotline. For all of them. I know there’s reasons for it, and other things going on, but ug. I really don’t want to read about that. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And that is why I do get all like, “Really??” when someone is like, “What do you mean you haven’t read The Hunger Games? They are my favorite books *ever*!!!” Really? You’re favorite book is about kids killing each other? I’m sorry, I can’t help it when that thought goes through my head, but you shouldn’t act like some weird stuck up book snob when I tell you I haven’t read them. Also, not 100%, but as with Twilight, it seems to be people who don’t really read who really rabid about people *having* to like it. And that kind of annoys me. I’m not saying the stuff you learn in English class is better than anything written today or YA or anything, but when that’s the only book you’ve ever read…back off. I’ve read like thousands of books. I can have these few that I just make fun of…

AV

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Two things first: One, I have been feeling decidedly uninspired despite new ideas and several attempts at being inspired, so I am posting an old poem I wrote. It was written in January of 2005, so I was still in high school. Hopefully I can shake the lag…I want to get started on this story, and I haven’t had this big of a depression lapse in years :/ Two, I realize that I posted a short story that was written a while ago with the same title. I’m too lazy to look which one came first, but I’m assuming they both came during the long period in which I was rather obsessed with Greek mythology and was also depressed (then again, neither of those have *really* ended… :/)

Lethe’s Lament

Alas! Woe to the dismal skies,
From which the sun forevermore departs.
Shine down on me; shine down on me…
The fevered chant continues on.
Let empathy return,
For all seem to have lost it.
Scalded grass; broken oaks;
Wilted apple blossoms perfume the blithe air,
And the four winds bear them away.
Let me forget; let me forget…
The hysterical prayer echoes on.
Hear it resound; feel the turbulence
Tremor, shake.
Trap it in your mind and replay it
In the dead of the night,
When the incubus lays upon you.
Break away; break away…
Lest you be shattered, dead.
Stricken muscles rebel
And will listen no more.

And the dead limbs of the trees
Sway mockingly in the hazy breeze.
The people bow, listless and inanimate,
Deaf to the world.
Majestic mountains, sculptured by Time,
Crack and crumble,
Falling away.
The waters, sluggish and dull,
Are left to carry away the debris.
This burden weighs heavily,
And the weight blackens their skin.
Let them forget; let them forget…
‘T’was not their sin,
And justice prevail.
All eyes look down as the day
Finds its End,
For the horizon will be empty,
But the land, burnt and ash,
Will be washed with red,
And those left weep for the sacred
Beauty of a star-lit night.
And soon even they will be gone,
Blinking out one by one by one…
Let us forget; let us forget…
For the very thought torments us.

May the fading moon draw our
Essence away and lie us down in peace.
Grant us access to that
Crystalline pool, chilled, sparkling,
And enticing.
Draw us in, and take our minds,
Destroy our names,
Makes us no more
Than a decaying, empty shell.
Already the blackness creeps upon us,
And I hearken the call.
Let me forget; let me forget…
As my throat convulses,
My heart flutters,
And the pain fades away.
Feel no more; I will shelter you…
The river will remain
And wash us all, a mother to her young.
Wash us thoroughly; we must forget…
The cries are sobs, and the sobs are silent.
But it hears, and it knows,
And it absorbs the pain, the misery,
The grief, and the remorse.
It can contain it all,
Stronger than us,
Like the venerable and sagacious Willows,
Who bow in flexibility.
Take it away; all of it, away…
The sight is washed in darkness, and
We fear the blanket cannot be lifted.
But some will take up the effort,
Until their backs are broken,
And their spirits disheartened.

Cry; cry your polluted, rusted water,
For you have no pride to lose.
Finally now, all sees all as equal,
And there will be no more war.
Meaningless; everything means nothing,
And arrogance be damned.
We are all on our knees, now,
As the wind freezes and cuts through us.
What do you feel,
When it is all broken down and torn
Into bladed shards?
Look away; look away…
For you have lost your meaning, too.
Let us forget; let us forget…
And let our eyes drift shut
As the water laps at our faces.

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I feel like I always forget about 30 Seconds to Mars when someone asks me to list my favorite bands, but when I’m thinking straight, I would most definitely stick them in the top 10. Maybe even the top 6, depending on what mood I’m in. But inspired by my recent post on their new CD, I thought I would do a quick list about 30 Seconds.

Favorite CD: “A Beautiful Lie”

Least Favorite CD: I honestly can’t list one. They only have four, and I think they all have their merits. Also, I think they all have such different sounds that it’s hard to list one as a least favorite. That being said, the one I listen to the least is probably their first one (self-entitled).

Favorite Song: I am going to have to go with “Hurricane” from “This is War.” I think that song is absolutely *brilliant*, in so many ways. Honorable mentions: “The Kill,” “Night of the Hunter,” “Up in the Air,” “Conquistador,” and “Echelon.” And “Revolution”…I could probably just list 90% of their songs here.

Least Favorite Song: I mean…again, depending on my mood, there are a few that I tend to skip more than others on my iPod. If I had to pick one all around…L490 from “This is War” and “Pyres Of Varanasi” from “Love Lust Dreams + Faith.” You could probably say I’m cheating with “L490” because there aren’t any lyrics to it, but…I don’t even like the music or whatever it is they’re doing with that track. Same with “Pyres.” I know I haven’t had that CD that long, but the vocals in it kind of grate on me after a little bit. I think that might change with my mood, though. Another one that I just never developed a huge fondness for, but I wouldn’t say that I disliked it per se, is “Kings and Queens.”

Favorite video: “The Kill.” I think it was amazing and awesome. I love that their videos have some kind of a story to them, even if the story is a little “out there.” They are always artistic and creative. If you’ve seen the video, you know what I mean when I say, that “one part” that is a little beyond awkward and weird…with the dog suit…yeah, not my favorite, but I overlook it in favor of the overall video.

Least Favorite Video: This kills me to say, but “Hurricane.” It kills me to say that because, as stated above, “Hurricane” is my favorite song. And honestly, I appreciate the video from an artistic viewpoint, but…I wish they had done something that I could show my friends and/or family without them passing out or thinking I’m a freak. If you haven’t seen it, it is *very adult* and only for mature audiences. Nooooo kids. It made me a little uncomfortable at parts. Also, there is nudity and sexual fetishes. I wish they had made two videos for it, so they could do their artistic one or whatever, and then have a little different one that I could watch without fear of someone seeing me watching it…

Okay, and I will end with this. I loved all of the members of the band, and I love all three current members. However…and I know this is cliched, because everyone always loves the lead singer…but Jared Leto is freaking hot. There were times when I was not the fondest of his looks, but in the “Up in the Air” video (the most current one)…damn he looks good. Actually, everyone looks hot. I was not a fan of his half blonde hair, back in the day. But I did like his somewhat shorter hair in “The Kill” video. But I am a woman who appreciates when a guy can carry off a little longer hair and does so. 🙂 Fangirl moment out.

AV

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So I am just blowing up my blog today. I feel like I’ve been neglecting it lately, so I will just put about my usual 2 week’s worth here in one day. Go me.

I was having a conversation with a coworker the other day…about love. We have conversations like these all the time and usually disagree, but I enjoy it because we can disagree civilly and pretend like the other one is stupid when we really know we value each other’s opinions, haha. That’s how the best of friendships go… Anyways, so we were talking about love, because this person just entered a new relationship, and I was kind of making fun of him. All in good fun, of course. But he revealed that he is a “hopeless romantic.” And I kind of laughed, but then quickly realized that he was serious.

And actually, after we were talking about it, we kind of decided that we thought more men would fall under the category of “hopeless romantic” than women. Which, now that I think about it, seems kind of strange that we both leaned toward that conclusion, but I still stand by it. Men want to find a girl that they like, that likes them back, and they want to be in love. They want the happiness, the touchy-feely-ness, the laughter, the fun times…Disney stuff, I like to call it.

Two sidenotes: I am referring to straight men and women…not because I want to purposefully leave out gay and lesbian romances, but because I honestly don’t have a lot of knowledge or dealings with that. Also, these are simply our and/or his and/or my thoughts…obviously it’s not true for everyone. Or necessarily even true at all…

I think that women, however, while they may go through the “Disney stuff” phase at some point, typically lean toward a more logical approach to love. They kind of know that the “touchy-feely” part of the relationship is probably going to end at some point and reality is going to set in. I mean, most couples don’t really stay in the phase of love that I’ve heard referred to as the “honeymoon phase.” You move in together, and suddenly there are bills, chores, jobs, different schedules, maybe even children, maybe animals…etc.

So, this is what we were disagreeing on. He’s a hopeless romantic, and I was like…yeah, I’m pretty cynical about love. Which, again, is kind of funny considering I’m the one that’s married. But I am! I love Disney movies, but I am not at all pulled in by the “Disney stuff” love. I do not believe in it. And that sounds kind of awful, like I don’t really love my husband or something, but that’s not it at all. I just am not a sappy kind of person. I have my clingy moments with him, but I don’t think I’ve ever really been “sappy.” Or, like I like to say, “gaggy.” Lol. I refuse to read books that are *purely* romance, and if there is romance in a movie, it better have more things going on or it better be really well-acted and written. I am not into bodice-rippers, as I like to call them (you know, the books that have women on the covers with their dress straps half-way down their arms and their heaving bossoms popping out over the dress top and the guy is holding them with his shift half off…those ones). I just don’t understand that approach, I guess.

And here’s one for the people who like reading their astrology reading every day…I’m a libra. I always laughed when I would read the Libra description and it would say things like, “very logical.” Or something to that effect. I honestly didn’t really consider myself overly logical until recently, which, maybe I’ve grown into it, or maybe it’s because I have some contradicting traits that I thought overshadowed logic. I am almost overwhelmingly emotional. I always have been. And I am terribly imaginative, and I like to write and read and dream up stories and poems, etc. But, I am pretty cynical about life and, apparently, love, and I analyze almost everything until I literally have to force myself to stop thinking about it. I like to plan everything out until I, again, have to stop myself from thinking about it. I stress and stress about things. But sometimes I watch people do things, or find out about changes somewhere or in some system, and I’m just like…that doesn’t make sense. So I’m beginning to find that I think I’m almost coldly logical sometimes while being contradictorally (word???) emotional.

As an ending note: I tried to make the argument that in love and in every long lasting relationship, I think there will come a moment…and probably just a literal *moment*, not an ongoing thing, in which one person or both people in the relationship find that it’s easier to just walk away. Literally, to just walk away and end the relationship right then and there. But, I think that love is eventually a choice. You choose to stay with that person. When it is easier to walk away, you stop and consciously make the decision to work it out and stay with that person. And that makes love a choice. And apparently a lot of people didn’t like that argument. I still stand by that one, too.

Any thoughts?

AV

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Okay, so, I follow a lot of people on youtube. I actually really enjoy coming home from work and winding down by pulling up their latest videos and usually laughing my head off. I need laughter to get through the day. Anyways, one…whatever…that I subscribe to is called Pop Trigger. And they did a video on FOMO. Here is the link:

As a quick sidenote, I think the show is awesome, as are the regular people on the show, and all the people they bring on as guest.

So, if you watched the video, FOMO is the Fear of Missing Out. I thought this was kind of interesting, because I really think I have it. Which is also interesting in itself, because I’m a walking contradiction (2 points to whoever actually reads this that sang the song of that title in their head while reading that). It’s interesting to realize that I have this because I consider myself somewhat of a loner. Or, as I like to refer to myself as, a “bad friend.” I don’t contact people enough, I don’t keep in contact very well, and I don’t plan get-togethers or really go to get-togethers. I’m very anti-social for a few different reasons. And yet…when I see that people I like where hanging out, either on facebook posts or pictures or just hearing them talk about it…I totally feel left out. I’m ridiculous, I know. So I can only imagine how someone who is very social and kind of “clingy” feels when that happens to them. It must be awful!

I remember a time when I was dating my husband, and I was feeling really stressed out and depressed. So I txted him. He didn’t respond for a long time, and that made me sadder. I was getting frustrated, so I kept txting. Finally, I was like, I’m just going to start calling him…maybe something’s really wrong…when he called. He was with his group of friends, having a snowball fight. Just having a really good time. Well, that pissed me off, haha. No, not really, I just felt like saying that. But it really hurt me. Not that he did it intentionally. But all I could think was, “Here I am…sitting here, basically crying…and my boyfriend is out with his friends having an amazing time and I wasn’t invited.” Burn, lol. But it’s happened with just regular friends, too. And again, I can’t really blame anyone for not inviting me, because I tell people I’m anti-social and, well, let’s be blunt, pretty much blow off a lot of people when they have get-togethers, so what do I expect? But the feeling is still there. I’m all like…you could have at least *asked*….

But then again, I am strangely and disturbingly over-emotional. And I think FOMO is a total emotional thing. It’s not logical, in my opinion. People can hang out without inviting you, and it’s not that they don’t like you or think you’re dumb or anything *in the majority of cases*. So, there you go. My thoughts on FOMO. Which I think sounds horrible out loud. Your thoughts, five words or less?

AV

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So I finally got the new 30 Seconds CD, and I’m super happy about it. I haven’t listened to it *tons* yet, but I plan to do so in the future. If you have listened to them from the beginning, which I have, their sound has most definitely changed. So I would say this one is a lot closer to the one before this (“This is War”) than it is to their first CD (which I believe was self-titled). Some people thought that was a bad thing…I really didn’t. I liked “This is War,” and I liked the CDs before it. I’m one of those people who usually can deal with bands changing their sounds…usually. There are exceptions. But so far I am okay with the changes 30 Seconds have made.

Edited: So I decided to come back to this blog and edit it and add information. I completely change what I originally said was my one “negative” about this CD. After listening to it a few different times, and really paying attention to it…I am even more in love with it. There are no songs on there that I don’t like or skip. I know a lot of people that don’t like 30 Seconds, but honestly…I really think this band is genius. The music, the lyrics, the emotion behind it…just pure genius and awesomeness. Also, I watched the official video for “Up in the Air.” When I first heard this song and watched the lyric video for it, I was not super impressed. The more I listened to it…*absolutely* love this song. And, as usual 30 Seconds style, the video is interesting, different, and needed credits at the end of it. I think that says it all. It does contain a warning at the beginning for anyone who might suffer from seizures (there are at least two instances with a lot of flashing through pictures).

So go buy the CD or download from amazon or iTunes…it’s worth it, in my opinion.

AV

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