Feminism and Ghostbusters, AKA Please Stop

I will start this out by saying that I’m going to be one of “those” people…I’m going to talk about a movie without seeing it first. I know that pisses people off to no end, which is why I’m doing it. Just kidding…I’m doing it because I don’t need to see it to say what I’m going to say, and also movies are expensive–I don’t have the time or money to see a movie I have no interest in right now.

I am not a huge movie person. I like movies, but I tend to never take the time to watch many. I have seen the original Ghostbuster movies, but that was when I was child and I barely remember them. I’m sure I liked them at the time, but it’s not like they made some lasting impression on me that I wanted to go back and watch them over and over again. Apparently, they made a lasting impression on every person on my facebook page and social media right now, because for some reason….that’s all I’m seeing some days. It was actually worse when the trailers were being released than it is now after the movie is actually out, but I finally saw another post yesterday that made me want to just explode. This has been a common theme in the posts and articles I have seen, and I am going crazy to keep myself from commenting on them. Because as most logical people know, posting an opposite opinion on facebook is literally asking for a disaster.

The theme is: If you don’t like the new Ghostbusters, you are not a feminist. It actually is more along the lines of, If you don’t like the new Ghostbusters, you are a piece of sexist, misogynistic (probably white) male trash who should never speak again!

As the noted feminist of my whole family (my family and my husband’s family) and pretty much my group of friends (not to say some of my friends aren’t feminists, but they don’t really speak up about much or go on rants like I do, so I’m just the designated feminist of the group), this is one of the dumbest things I have heard lately. I won’t say the dumbest, because…you know, with the political stuff and everything, I have been hearing a lot of dumb stuff. But really? You’re misogynistic for not liking a movie?

And I actually do get the premise for the opinion. People were originally freaking out because they are rebooting another beloved movie (they really need to stop doing that….just make a sequel or an original story) and casting….wait for it…women in the roles of what used to be men! GASP. I honestly don’t think *most* of the outrage was purely because they were women. I really don’t. Because even my husband said something along those lines, and I literally said, “Oh, gasp! Women!! How could they!” And he rolled his eyes, because that wasn’t what he meant. But that’s how it’s coming off…and I am aware that some people literally were pissed because it was literally women being cast. You will always have “those” people, too. What my husband was ultimately mad about was that they were remaking a movie he remembered from his childhood, and they were changing the characters. My husband is not a sexist pig. He’s really not. Trust me…I wouldn’t be with him if he was, and he wouldn’t be able to handle me if he was.

It’s the same idea of all of this change going into comic book characters. The big one I heard about was Thor is becoming a female character. Let me tell you…I freaked out about that one, and not in the way most people would think. I think I really surprised some people with how mad I was. Aside from being a feminist, I am actually a huge fan on mythology. Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Norse, Celtic…that was my poison when I was in elementary-high school. I would read actually encyclopedias about it. When we had a small segment in 12th grade on Greek and Roman mythology, I listened eagerly even though I knew it all and then aced the test with my eyes closed. Anyways, the idea that they were taking a figure from mythology that has been around for years and years and years…I was pissed. I was yelling at my husband, Do you know how many female goddesses there are?! They can’t just change his gender! Thor is a guy!! Pick one of the other hundreds of goddesses! He just kind of sat there while I yelled haha. I think he originally thought I would be thrilled to see another female character so he would have to argue why you shouldn’t change long standing characters. Lucky him, I wouldn’t even let him get a word in. Because to me, it wasn’t the fact that, “Yay, a new strong female character!” That’s the reaction they want everyone to have to things like Thor and the new Ghostbusters. I’m looking at it like, “Why are you taking an established character and drastically changing them?” It’s not casting someone with brown hair for a book character that was clearly described with blonde hair.

And in fact, I have heard people complain about things like that!! Like, seriously! They thought no one would complain about gender changes?? People have *actually* complained that a movie character had different hair or eyes than the one described in the book. So think of it in that context. Also, think of it in this context, which is my ultimate way of thinking on this: As a feminist, I want more female characters. I think that’s awesome. But why do they have to be roles that have already been established as a male role? Because now, all that will happen is the new one will be compared to the old one. That happens with EVERY reboot and remake ever. There is a comparison. And more likely than not, people generally say the original was better for whatever reason, may it be nostalgia or something else. So why start out awesome female characters in a deficit? You need to start them out on a flat level so through good acting and good casting and good writing, they can be praised. Not…well, I’m pissed it’s a remake, the original was amazing, but I guess they acted okay…it was an okay movie. I want original new strong female characters…not ones that are trying to one-up a male role that’s largely beloved.

There are a ton of comic book characters, most of them completely original (things like Thor and Lucifer are obviously not original, but they get original backstories and adventures at least). Why not make completely new characters with awesome backgrounds? Why is that not a thing? Making Thor a girl, or some character black or Asian or Native American…you’re just making fans of the original mad. If they remade Gone with the Wind but Scarlet was now a man…people would be pissed! Why would they even do that! It doesn’t make sense! That would be the outcries…and that’s what they are now.

Just do original stories. Stop trying to make people mad—in fact, do something you know will make a lot of people mad, and then be like, well, if you don’t like this, you must be a sexist! No! That’s not necessarily the case.

So to the people posting, if you don’t like the new Ghostbusters you are a piece of garbage who hates women…I can strongly attest that that is not true. If I go and watch it and think it’s not even remotely funny….it’s because the acting was bad. It’s because I don’t think the characters had chemistry. It’s because I’m thinking, wasn’t the original a bit funnier? More action?

We need to stop being soooooo offended by everything. If someone doesn’t like a female character, I’m not immediately offended. If they go into something really horrible, like, women couldn’t do that, they have no arm strength! Or, how could she save the world when she has to eat chocolate every month on her period?? Something obviously misogynistic…then yes, I’m either going to verbally or physically sharpen my claws on him/her. But we need to stop being so quick to judge people who we think are being quick to judge. Ask them to further explain why they didn’t like that movie/character. You might be able to open their eyes to something, or they might make a point that will make you go, Oooh, yeah, didn’t even think of it that way.

So just stop. Stop talking about that dumb movie and let’s bring back more important topics, like equal pay and workplace harassment and I don’t know, things like why rapists aren’t getting serious judgements against them.

-AV

United We Stand, Divided We Fall

To be completely honest, I have been avidly avoiding the news even more so than usual lately. I hate hearing about the terrible things happening…not because I want to hide my head under a rock, but because it literally puts me into a deep, dark depression. I can’t stand it. And I don’t understand it.

I didn’t want to write about something like this, but it’s getting to be the point of overwhelming. It’s every day now that you hear about more violence, more shootings. I would have to lock myself in a room with no TV, no internet, and no people in order to avoid it at this point. So I’m just going to throw out there my opinion, and it’s an opinion that thankfully a few of the people I follow on social media have been echoing, but unfortunately not a lot of people honestly have. And I know it’s because a lot of people feel like they don’t have the option to think this way. For those people, my heart bleeds. This country is in a lot of turmoil, and I’m not sure there really is an answer to solve it.

But we need to stop taking one side or the other. Why does it have to be that you’re pro-such and such and therefore automatically against something else? Can I be against killing cops and also against killing people of color? I think that’s what we should all be. Against killing in general. That’s not a way to solve the problems. I’m not going to go into the gun debate right now…that would be a whole other long talk…but the killing needs to stop. We need to stand together and stop all of this hatred. Maybe it’s because of the generation that I grew up in, but I don’t understand it. I get nervous when I see a police officer, but I can’t imagine being terrified when I see one, wondering if they will hurt me or even kill me. And I can’t imagine being a police officer who, every time they pull over a minority or pass one in the streets, wonders if things will escalate out of control and if he/she will get shot.

Something has to give. Both sides need to forgive the other side and let down their arms, rather than just everyone feeling like they need to pick one side or the other. That doesn’t solve anything. Look at our political system. For the majority, you are either Democrat or Republican. Anymore, it’s an extremely divided issue. One extreme or the other. I rarely hear any politician spouting more “down the middle” points of view, and it’s because in most people’s minds, you have to be one way or the other. If you venture into the “other side’s territory,” you’re a liar and a flip-flopper and everything else. Why does it have to be one extreme or the other? Will this country ever unite again? Every single issue is followed by outcries of one extreme or the other.

And again, I understand that for a lot of people, they don’t get the luxury of easily being on everyone’s side. People of the LGBT community, the African American community, the Hispanic community, the law enforcement community…people have taken hard hits, and there have been deaths, and it’s hard to just relax and think–I will trust everyone. Unfortunately, with how many hundreds of millions of people live in this country, there are going to be people who are prejudice, racist, and hatred-filled. I’m not sure how you fix that. I don’t think anyone does. Maybe there’s not an answer. Between the fact that this was a “melting pot” country and it started by immigrants from all over coming here, and the divided political ideology, and the multiple religious systems crisscrossing the nation…I’m not sure whether we will be all at peace. I’m not convinced that banning guns will do it, but again…that’s a whole other topic.

I guess what I’m trying to say in a not very concise manner is that we each need to look deep down into ourselves and figure out if we hate certain groups and why we hate them. Do you have an actual, logical reason? Or is it because you grew up in a family where the older generations had certain racism tendencies and you just picked it up? Is it because of whatever religion you are, you’re not supposed to approve of whatever it is that’s different about them? Is it because you grew up in a very singular community and you just don’t understand differences in people and that bothers you? I am of the conviction that men and women, gay or straight, whatever skin color…that doesn’t make you *different* or dangerous. Every group will have people in it that are bad people, and every group will have people in it that are good people. And then every combination in-between. But we need to all stop over-generalizing, over-stereotyping, and really try to make ourselves be more understanding and more willing to listen to the other side, whatever that other side is. Try and bring understanding to someone you know who is actively against minorities. Challenge them to explain in logical, factually backed up arguments why they hate that group.

There is just too little time on this world to spend it being afraid. I hope that this nation can soon bring an end to the mindless violence. We are all humans, and we need to all start acting like it and treating one another like we are.

-AV

Amazing Concert Experience

A week ago, I journeyed four and a half hours away to go to a concert with my husband and my best friend and her husband. I was hesitant at first–I have been to a few concerts throughout my life, but it’s a bit rough with my anxiety and health problems to even think about anymore. But my friend was so excited, and I loved one of the bands that were playing, so I caved and said okay. We bought the tickets and then I’m pretty it was the day after the tour announced they would be playing in a city that’s about an hour away from us. Sooo…that was an irritating moment, but we kept telling ourselves it would be an adventure.

So the day arrived, and my friends drove to our house, and then we all piled into my car and my husband drove basically across most of the state. We stopped at the hotel, dropped our stuff, my friend and I did our makeup, and we were off.

Let me tell you…going to a concert that is super crowded when you are not familiar with the area is a little intimidating. We got there when they said the doors were opening and there was a good sized line. There were cops everywhere directing traffic. My husband kept turning and hoping they were leading us to the parking lot. We were very confused because we got a decent parking spot and everyone was just standing there for about a half an hour. Turns out we were in the correct spot; they were just late opening the doors.

It was about 90 degrees. We were starving by the time we got in there. My friend’s husband went off to get an alcoholic beverage while we stood in line for food. It was already very crowded, and the first opening band wasn’t going to start for another hour and a half. My friend’s beverage in a normal sized plastic cup? $15. He decided he would enjoy that one and not get another one. My husband and I split some chicken tenders and fries. I can’t eat a lot of greasy food. It was $10 I believe. A pop and a water was about $15 together. Concerts have gotten a little pricey since I last went.

The seats were crowded and uncomfortable, but we had a great view. And all of the aggravation and expenses were worth it…because the actual concert was amazing. Absolutely great. My friend and I were completely hoarse when we left from screaming and cheering.

First opening band was Andrew McMahon and the Wilderness. I hope I spelled his last name correctly, because I had never heard of this band until we attended this concert. I was pleasantly surprised. I assumed since it was the first opening band and I had never heard of them, that they were a new band and would be terrible. They were pretty easy going, what I personally call hippy music, and they had a good vibe and an upbeat attitude. The singer was entertaining and danced around. He even got down and ran through the crowd…which I thought was suicide. Two girls that were obviously huge fans took off after him and never came back haha. But I enjoyed their style and while they weren’t something I would jam out to, they got the concert off on a good note.

At this point, the whole place was just packed, and everyone was happy and excited. The whole atmosphere there throughout the afternoon and into the night was just fantastic.

The second opening band I was really excited about. The opening bands weren’t announced until about a week before we went (or at least we didn’t hear about them until then). AWOLNATION has been around and I had heard enough of their songs to be excited to hear them live but I didn’t know enough of their stuff that I would have bought tickets to just see them. However, they also really impressed me. They played three songs that I knew and loved and the rest I had not heard but really liked. The lead singer had a lot of energy, as did the rest of the band. The music was extremely loud and it was actually hard to hear the singer, but it didn’t take away from the show for me. Their performance really got people pumped up and ready for the first of the headlining bands.

This was who I had gone for, and who my friend wanted to see the most out of the two bands. Panic! at the Disco. Brendan Urie. Before I saw him live, I loved Panic and thought he was a very talented individual. This performance just blew me away. I love him even more than I did before. He came out with a ton of energy and just put everything he could into his performance. And not to forget the rest of the band–they all did amazing too, but Brendan was obviously the main attraction. He was the one singer I thought you could hear the most clearly over the music, and I think that was just because he’s very loud and has a great vocal range. Throughout his show, Brendan Urie sang every song, played the guitar during one song, played piano for two songs, and even played a drum set with his drummer for a segment. He nailed two backflips and jumped off of the stage at one point. And of course he ripped off his shirt at one point, which didn’t fail to impress basically every person there who was attracted to men. He picked high energy songs and even did a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen), belting his heart out through the whole thing. My husband (who was only mildly impressed with Panic before this and a huge Queen fan said that he did a good job, which translates to, it was amazing).

His performance gave way to the main headlining band and the closer of the evening-Weezer. Since Weezer has been around forever, I have naturally heard a lot of their songs. My husband is a huge fan of theirs, so this is who he was most excited to see. I was afraid I wouldn’t know most of what they played since I never went out of my way to listen to their stuff or even to go through a whole CD, but I was happy to find that I knew 90% of the songs they played. I would say they weren’t quite as high energy as Panic, but I think that’s just the nature of their music. They were still amazing, though, and they were a great close to the night. They kept the upbeat energy and positivity going while chilling down a little after Panic’s high energy performance. They had a great sound, and they kept the crowd involved and excited.

All in all, if I had to go back and do it again knowing all the little annoyances and anxiety issues I would have, I would still do it. It was totally worth the money between tickets, gas, the hotel, and food. In fact, I would say it was the best concert I have been to so far. Kudos to everyone…from newer acts to acts that have been around a few years to a decade to a few decades almost, everyone showed that they were doing the thing that they loved most.

-AV

One of Humanity’s Cruelties (Why I Don’t Need to Buy Any Pets)

Well, I was planning on doing a review of a concert I went to a few days ago with my husband and two friends, but that unfortunately has to wait now. Last night was a perfect reason why I usually am pretty cynical toward my fellow humans, and why I never need to bother looking at shelters or looking through ads for animals. My husband was driving, and I was in the passenger seat, and my mother was in the back seat. We were driving along a pretty major road for where I am, and it was pretty trafficked. We were talking along…and then we all saw it. And it takes a minute to settle in what exactly it was, and then my mom and I start yelling at the same time, “Pull over, pull over! Oh my god, it’s a kitten!” I honestly thought at first that it was a full grown cat, and I was going to be sad because I knew chances are it would be feral and I would never be able to get it. My mom thought it was some wild animal. But no… it was a tiny, tiny kitten, just sitting by itself on the shoulder of the road, watching all of the big trucks and cars go zooming by. My husband whipped the car onto the shoulder as safely as he could and put his four ways on. My mother was going, Omg, I can’t do it, he will run out in traffic and I will just die! I just threw open my door and walked back as quickly as I could. The little thing started meowing, crouched, and thankfully ran into the weeds instead of traffic. I was literally shaking. If it got ran over while I was watching, I was going to be pretty traumatized.

For anyone that doesn’t know me, I am a huge animal lover, but I especially love cats. I have always loved cats. My parents had a lot of animals the whole time I was growing up. Throughout my childhood, there were always cats, dogs, chickens, goats, lambs, horses, guinea pigs, rabbits, birds…maybe not all at once for everything, but we always had dogs and cats. And for some reason, I just always bonded and connected with the cats. And I feel worse for them than for dogs. I knew there are groups and shelters out there helping all kinds of animals equally, but I feel like the common person thinks that dogs are the ones that definitely need humans, but cats are fine out in the wild. Just toss them outside, and they’re fine! And it makes me sad. A lot of cats are fine being loners, but pretty much every cat I’ve been around craves human attention as much as a dog. And yes they have claws and teeth and are natural hunters, but they are a domesticated animal. You can’t just take a kitten you don’t want and toss it out and think it will be fine.

And that’s where this rant begins. Who is so cruel as to just toss a baby animal alongside the road? You couldn’t have taken it to a shelter? Asked around to see if anyone would at least feed it and give it some kind of shelter? You’re only option was to just toss it where it most likely would get run over?? It most definitely was not a feral-born kitten. It ran into the weeds because it was scared, but it never hissed at me or swung it’s claws, and it let me pick it right up then. (I’m saying “it’ because it’s too young to know the gender…vet appointment this morning, so they might be able to tell.) But then I remembered…oh, right! Humans can’t be nice and civil to other humans…why would I think they should extend common kindness to another species?? Seriously. It just boggles my mind.

My mom knows someone who got their kitten from someone literally driving by and without slowing down, opened the window and tossed it out. It broke it’s leg and scraped up its body. Luckily for the otherwise very unlucky kitten, the people whose house it was loved animals. So they got it fixed up and kept it. But it makes me want to cry. How can we be so cruel to something so innocent? If you can’t have kittens or puppies…guess what, you can get them spayed or fixed! You shouldn’t have them if you can’t take at least decent care of them, and that includes getting them fixed/spayed so you don’t add to the already huge overpopulation problem! If you do make a mistake, don’t just throw them out alongside the road or kill them in some horrible way! YOU made the problem by being irresponsible. At least try to make a decent decision for how to fix it.

I realize there are a lot of people who think of animals much differently than I do. I just can’t comprehend how everyone doesn’t realize they feel pain and fear just as much as humans do. But then I come back to the realization that we are always fighting wars and fighting amongst ourselves over stupid things like, should gay people have the same rights as straight people? Democrat or republican? Which religion? Should we change the face on the freaking 20 dollar bill??? So if we are cruel to people who differ in thinking on stuff like that…what hope is there for these animals?

So for now…he/she is in a carrier in my basement, with a soft blanket, litter, water, and some canned food. Vet appointment this morning (luckily my mom has taken probably 50 stray cats to this vet, so when she calls, they are really good about getting her in last minute). And if he checks out, we will have to decide what to do. Because someone else made a horrible, poor decision, now either my mom or I will be cleaning it up. It’s not fair, but someone has to do it. My husband and I have a very small house and we already have five stray cats we took in. My mom has a bunch of stray cats she has taken in. It’s going to be a burden for one of us, but I could never be one of those people who either tossed it out or just drove by and was fine knowing it was going to die one way or another–car, wild animal, freeze, starve. And I think I’m much better being burdened with more vet bills and a little less space and having a loving animal than being one of those heartless a**holes, so whatever.

Peace and love to all of my fellow animal lovers out there, and to all of the decent human beings that do what you can to make the world a little better for people, the environment, and all of the other species we share the world with,

-AV

The Horrors of a Miscarriage (Worst Day of My Life)

**Warning: Lots of “womanly” talk, miscarriage talk, bleeding talk

I haven’t typed in my blog in a long time, and I’ve been debating on whether or not I should start it back up. I’ve been debating whether or not to make this a post. I think what won out is the fact that this is still a topic that is widely considered something “we just don’t talk about,” and I think that needs to change. There is so much sadness around this topic, and I am a firm believer that if you talk about something, and the more you talk about something, the easier it gets to accept it and move on.

I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life, and I’m pretty good at “getting over things” and moving on, but this is something I’m struggling with. It hasn’t been that long, only about a month and a half, but it is something that sits very uneasily inside of me. I will find myself at work just staring at my computer screen, heart beating a little heavier as I rethink some of the events that happened that day. I’ve tried talking to people about what happened, but it’s a difficult thing to really comprehend until you lived through it. I consider myself a pretty empathetic person, but I can attest that this is just something it’s hard to wrap your mind around until it happens. I had a coworker say she had 13 miscarriages until she finally was able to carry a pregnancy to term. And I felt sad, but not as sad as I did after having one…and then even sadder, after having two. After one miscarriage, I had the (what I would think would be) common thoughts and feelings of sadness, guilt, depression, and general existentialism toward the universe. Why me?

My first miscarriage happened on Christmas Eve. It started as spotting at work. Everyone told me to calm down because some spotting was normal. When I got home and it turned into what seemed to be a normal period like bleeding, I went to the ER with my husband. I had a miscarriage. I spent a few hours in the ER, getting blood and transvaginal tests. The doctor told me that “these things happen.” They wouldn’t say right there that it was a miscarriage because they had to wait for the tests to come back, but I knew. I knew then and spent all of Christmas Day crying when I could away from everyone because the bleeding wouldn’t stop, and I definitely knew. I still cried when the doctor called the next week to confirm my thought.

I spent a whole year trying to get pregnant after the blood tests and the okay that my body was back to “normal.” When I took the pregnancy test literally a year and a week after getting the okay, and it finally said positive, I was so excited. It was 5:00 in the morning and I woke my husband and couldn’t wait to tell my best friend at work.

My husband and I went to the first doctor appointment. I knew that we probably wouldn’t hear the heart beat, because I would only be 8 weeks along, but I was hoping we could hear something. I had been so nauseous and had the worst food aversions, and I was just tired and needed a pick-me-up. I didn’t get one. The doctor tried to be positive and told me the fetus was only measuring at 6 weeks because I had my timing messed up. But I had taken ovulating tests that were saved in my phone and I had taken a picture of the pregnancy positive test. I knew all of my timing was correct. I managed to not cry in the office, but I did once we left. My husband tried to be positive, but again, I knew. I had almost no hope. The next week I went to a lab to have another sonogram done. If the fetus grew at all, then there was hope. The lab doctor either didn’t know why she was doing this test or didn’t read it very carefully, because in her asking different questions, I knew the answer to mine. They got the doctor on the phone for me to tell me that the fetus must have died at 6 weeks, because I should have been measuring at 9-10 weeks at this point, but I didn’t even need her to tell me. I had basically accepted it.

But now there was a choice. This was considered a “missed miscarriage,” in which my body should have had a miscarriage but somewhere my mind got mixed up and didn’t recognize it as something that needed out of my body. Do I take a pill to force it? Sign up for a D&C procedure/minor surgery? Or just wait? I chose to wait. The thought of taking something to force it out horrified me.

After a few more weeks and as my symptoms gradually went away, nothing else happened. There was no bleeding, no cramping. I considered and talked with my husband. My doctor told me since it was so early on that the pill option should work just fine. It would cause cramping and I would have really heavy bleeding for a few hours, and then it would basically just be like a period. I can’t remember what it was called, but it was actually medication for stomach ulcers…except you take it vaginally for this case. And a lot of it. I took off a Monday and decided to take it early Sunday. Nothing happened as I took dose after dose as prescribed….until about 3:30 in the afternoon. It started out as minor cramping and some bleeding, and I told myself I could do this. Until my trip to the hospital that was to come, I considered this the worst day of my life.

For about three hours, I had such intense pain I thought I was going to die. The doctor had said cramping, but failed to mention that basically my body was simulating labor. It was hell. She had prescribed me Percocet, and I took two…and they did nothing. It was coming in waves, and I would be in a ball on the couch, then crouched on the floor, then pacing, then bent over….it was absolute hell. My dad stopped over because I asked my mom for her heating pad, desperate to try anything that might help. My mom said he was in tears when he got home because I was just in so much pain. My husband kept telling me to go to the ER, but I knew there wasn’t anything they could do, and I didn’t think I could make it. I was bleeding clots so heavily that I soaked through a pad in five minutes at times. I finally did something that some people might consider stupid, but I was desperate. I gave the two Percocet about two hours into my system and I took two tramadol that I had for normal periods. Finally the concoction worked and the pills were starting to wear off. I drifted off to sleep around 11 at night. I had passed what I assumed what the fetus from what I had read.

The next Thursday, I experienced such extreme back pain that I did something I literally have almost never done–I called off work. I was popping pills once again as I couldn’t sit or stand or be comfortable in any position. The doctor said it seemed “normal.” I was just fed up with everything.

Then all seemed quiet for the next week. The next weekend I made plans to go to the movies with some friends. After work, I started having really heavy bleeding again. I started passing huge clots. I almost had an “incident’ at the movie theatre. I could literally feel the clot pressing inside of me while I sat, and I managed to get up and out of the theatre and into the rest room because the clot dropped. My pad (an overnight one) was literally soaked through. I had also luckily shoved another pad into the top of my skirt before I sneaked out. I managed to get through the rest of the night. Only one friend knew what was going on, and I didn’t want to look too weird to the others. The rest of the weekend I bled and passed clots. But by Monday, it had stopped, so I didn’t call the doctor.

In the meantime, I was supposed to have another sonogram to check the progress of everything. The radiologist told me that it looked really bad and I would have to have a D&C done. I was crying because I had went through all of that pain and suffering for nothing. My doctor met with me and told me everything looked fine to her. Unless I insisted on having the procedure, she said to wait because my blood hormone count was dropping normally and I seemed to be doing fine. I went with that option. I didn’t even want to consider surgery. I had already cried to my manager and got the days off for it, and I was half embarrassed and half relieved to stop in her office the next day and tell her I didn’t need those days. She told me she was glad that I didn’t.

Then Friday came. It was a normal morning. I thank my lucky stars that I decided to go with comfort that day. I had on leggings with a black loose skirt and a shirt with a cardigan. I started to feel some light cramping around 11 AM, so I took a tramadol. That wasn’t uncommon for me. But then I stood up, feeling some pressure like I had to pee, and I felt it. That horrible, horrible feeling that a clot just passed. I had been wearing a panty liner all week, but for some reason I had put on a pad that morning. I don’t know why, but again…thank God. I hurried to the restroom with another panty liner and was very dismayed to find myself bleeding heavily with large clots. I changed the pad and went back to my desk. Literally five minutes later, I was back up and in the bathroom. I had started bleeding so much that it soaked through my underwear and leggings. I changed the pad but it wouldn’t sit right because my underwear was soaked with blood. Somehow it didn’t get on my skirt. If I had been wearing jeans, someone would have screamed and called an ambulance. Blood was everywhere. I managed to clean up the stall. There was blood all over the toilet, on the floor, and all over me. At this point, I was shaking badly.

When I got back to my desk, I went to my one friend on my team that knew. I looked at her and said, “I’m bleeding really, really badly. I need to go.” She followed me to my desk and I just shoved all of my unfinished work in her hands. She kept telling me to calm down and she would do anything I needed her to (in a nice way meant to calm me, not in a condescending way). I was starting to cry at this point. Another person asked my I had blood on my arm. I knew I just needed out of there.

Some people thought I was crazy for not having them call an ambulance, but I literally work in a secure area that is a cave. I have heard it takes an ambulance at least 45 minutes to get to you, and then there was the ride to the hospital. I needed to be in control. I walked into my manager’s office. She was typing on the computer with the team lead standing there. I calmly waited for her to look up. I said, “I need to go. Now.” “Okay.” “And I need you to drive me out.” “Okay.” She stood up and briskly locked her computer and she was out of the door with me following her. She calmly asked if I had my badge, and I did. There had been blood all over it, too, but I thankfully noticed and cleaned it all off. I hadn’t considered the fact that I might get blood in her car, and for the three-five minute ride to my car, I managed to lift myself up so I wasn’t touching the seat. I don’t know if she noticed. I thanked her over and over again. I was in my car finally, and I just lost it. I started shaking and crying so hard I was basically hyperventilating. I called my husband. He told me he would come and get me, and I told him, no, just meet me at home. I managed to drive about 70 the whole 40 minute drive home. I was literally hysterical.

I beat my husband home. The bleeding seemed to have slowed, so I started breathing more easily. I sat on the toilet for a while and cleaned myself up. I had panicked so hard I was now having stomach issues (I have colitis among other issues), so I went to the bathroom and decided to jump into the shower to fully clean myself. As I stood in the shower, glasses still on because I was just washing my legs, I somewhat hazily noticed there was a ton of blood washing down the drain. I shut off the water and noticed that that was because it was literally just pouring out of me at that point. I felt faint because I was starting to panic again. I got out and sat on the toilet again. I could tell that it was bad. Very bad. I called my husband again. Where are you??? He was coming up the driveway. I ran into my room, put on leggings, and wrapped an old towel around my waist. He jumped into my car. Which hospital? The one that was 15 minutes from my house had a bad reputation, but it didn’t matter at that point. I wasn’t making a 30 minute drive to the next one. I was literally hemorrhaging and I was literally hysterical again.

I will never forget sobbing “I’m going to be okay” while my husband echoed me as he tried to drive super safely. I was so certain I was going to bleed to death. That’s the only thing I could think the whole drive. I was literally yelling at him to go faster, but we couldn’t because of traffic. I started alternating between, I’m going to be okay and Omg, I’m going to die. I called my mom and managed to calmly tell her that I was going to the ER. She told me later that she had about 2 panic attacks on the way there and had to sit in the parking lot to keep from passing out when she got there. I had never been so scared in my life.

To make the rest of the story short, I had blood tests and sonograms and the doctor said I had to get the D&C. There was a clot/part of the placenta inside of me that was much too large for my body to pass on its own. My body must have realized that and went into overdrive trying to expel the rest. I was in the ER from about 12:30 until about 7:00 PM. I went to CVS to get more medication. I was sore and scared that the light bleeding I was having wasn’t going to stop.

It was literally the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. I cried the whole time I was typing this. I was just so convinced that I was going to die. My parents were freaked out, my sister was freaked out, and my one friend at work that I didn’t have a chance to tell her what was going on, called my husband in a panic because she was so scared for me. And it’s been hard to move on as I get at least two bills a week and have had to have blood drawn every week since to monitor my hormone level dropping. I was so anemic after all of that that I was too exhausted to go into work without riding the shuttle bus in, which I had never done, even when I had the flu. I was taking iron supplements every night. Finally last week my iron count was up to 10.5 and my hormone count was down to 6. I want to try to get pregnant again, but there’s just this nagging thought in the back of my head…what if this happens again? What if I bleed to death this time?

I can attest to the uncertainty and sadness that surrounds a miscarriage. But I refuse to keep hiding it from everyone. I realize people do it because it’s hard to talk about, but it’s something I think more women can relate to than most of us realize. My only suggestion to someone going through anything similar…I would never recommend that pill. As scary as the idea of surgery is, taking that pill was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Between the pain and the days off of work and it not even working…bleeding that heavily and rushing to the ER and having the surgery anyways…it’s literally not worth avoiding the surgery.

My hearts and thoughts are with anyone who has ever had to deal with this or who unfortunately will deal with this in the future.

-AV

Refugees

This is a spur of the minute blog, and I’m not going to write much. Maybe I will do a longer post later. I just wanted to throw something out there for some people to think about:

“‘When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. ³⁴ The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.”  LEVITICUS 19:33-34

I try to keep away from posts that are extremely controversial. I try to not be a very controversial person when it’s someone other than a close friend/relative around. However, I don’t think many people are avoiding this topic. The idea of letting Syrian refugees and other Middle Eastern people into the country is terrifying. Why? Because there is always that chance that there will be a terrorist amongst them. There’s a chance that one or more of them are lying and pretending to be something they are not so they can get inside the country and kill more people. HOWEVER, I am firmly of the belief that we can’t stop them from coming in. I really am. I thought about it, and even the part of me that was scared couldn’t say we can stop the refugees. Whether you’re religious or not doesn’t matter. It seems to be mostly conservative Christians that are against letting in the refugees, but I’m not going to stereotype. There are people from all walks of life that are against and also for it. I think the above quote was quite fitting, whether the Bible is something you live by or not.

And here’s the thing: the bad guys always find a way in. Is it harder if our guard is up? Yes. But there is always a way. And they are the kind of people that aren’t going to be discouraged if we as a country decide to stop the immigration. I mean…what about the planes that crashed into the towers? Obviously there are always people who will go to extremes to get what they want. There are people who are not afraid to die or to make others go to their deaths for this.

Every country in the world can erect a giant wall and allow no one in or out, but is that really how we want this to go? Is that how we want to live?

There are terrorists of every color and race. Men and women. We can’t stop them by stereotyping or through hate. In fact, this hatred for the people trying to escape the terrorists and their ways of life just fuels the fire that we are terrible and should be annihilated.

I’m not looking to change anyone’s heart with this. But perhaps it will serve as a thinking point. I can walk into a movie theatre tomorrow and be shot by someone who hates Americans, hates whites, or hates women. Or who just hates. Am I scared of that happening? Yes. Do I wish to do what I can to stop it? Yes. Does that mean I will never leave my house again? I could do that. But do I want to live that way?

 

_AV

Why Backing Free-Bleeding Does Not Have to Be a Thing for Feminists and Forward-Thinkers

Yes, I consider myself a feminist. If I said I wasn’t, all of my close friends and close family members would yell “Liar!” at me. I say “close” because I don’t typically go around shouting feminist things at people I’m not that close to…but if they choose to ask or a topic is brought up, it would stop being a secret after about two seconds into my thoughts and opinions.

As with probably many of people, I started hearing about and reading about the idea of “free bleeding” when Kiran Gandhi ran her marathon on her period without anything–no tampons, no pads, no menstrual cup, and none of those new underwear inventions that’s supposed to catch all of your period blood. Just free bleeding, as the name says.

Since then, I have heard both opinions loud and clear (it’s gross and disgusting–it’s amazing and liberating), and I have also become aware of the fact that it started as a hoax on 4chan. I have read several articles ridiculing people for “falling” for this hoax, but the thing is, if enough people “fall” for it and then carry it on, and then more people start following it, especially in action, it eventually becomes less of a hoax and more of a start-up fad. No, there are not even thousands, let alone millions, of women following this. However, it seems enough people are getting on board that I would say–it started out as a hoax, but people kind of changed it to their own thing.

I’m going to post three article links at the end of this blog, and one talks about the history of the idea of free bleeding. It started before this internet hoax, as I’m sure many of you could imagine. And just as a side note, I’m referring to people in first world countries who have complete access to and the means to provide for themselves “feminine products” but are choosing to say women shouldn’t use them or that they are not going to use them. I am obviously not referring to poorer areas/countries and people who have no choice because they can’t afford such things or have no access to them. I imagine it takes several different paths when you have no choice in the matter, and that is a discussion for another day.

My stance on the idea: I believe people should be free to do whatever they want to do with their bodies, so long as it doesn’t harm other people; however, for this particular idea, there is no way and no how I would ever do it myself or recommend it to anyone else. And it’s not due to anti-feminist thoughts or the idea that “menstrual blood is gross.”

First off, I think a large percentage of people over the age of 18 (and I’m aiming high for the boys’ sake) know that women have menstrual cycles and what that means. In fact, more than the actual science behind it, I would argue most people know that “menstruating” means that women bleed more than anything else about it. It’s not a surprise. Are some rules in school and workplaces outdated surrounding that? I’m sure. They probably wouldn’t appreciate women opening tampons or pads and passing them around the class/workplace, just like you’re not supposed to show bras or even bra-straps at most schools and workplaces. Obviously most people there are aware of the fact that most women wear bras. It is, in fact, usually more obvious when women are not wearing bras (not saying it’s bad, just saying you can usually tell). But there are rules stating we pretend they are not there. Why? Because most things written into rules and codes are usually outdated and speak of a long ago time…for example, there has been a lot of talk in the last decade or so about how laws are not updated enough to deal with internet and text/phone crimes. Does that mean everyone thinks these rules are up-to-date and fair? No…it just means either it’s too much of a hassle to fix them or amend them, or no one has decided to be less lazy and do something about it. Or the people up on top really do think these rules need to be there, because there are some people who are outdated and really old fashion in their thinking.

I’m not denying old fashion thinking doesn’t exist. I’m arguing it might not be as prevalent as a lot of people think it is. It’s just that the people in charge or in power tend to be older people, and they tend to be the majority of the people who are old fashion thinkers.

My second point, is that I don’t know of too many *men* who think menstruating is gross. None of my male friends, or my dad or husband, would ever respond “Ewwwwww, gross!!!” if I said I’m having cramps or I’m on my period or it’s “that time of the month.” Would my male boss/head of the department get a funny look on his face if I just said, oh, yeah, totally having cramps today because blood is coming out of my vagina for the next five days? YES. Why? Because I don’t have any familiarity with him, I don’t have that kind of rapport with him, and it’s unprofessional. Being unprofessional does not make it anti-feminist. Would I get a funny look on my face if he said to me, I really have to go and poop? YES. There are some things you don’t say in certain places, situations, and to people. It’s natural to have to do that…but why tell me? I don’t know you, and that’s a little too much information in the work place when you’re not a friend. Would some people be cool with either scenario no matter the relationship? Yes. Some people just are naturally okay with anything and some people try really hard to prove they are okay with everything. That doesn’t make it wrong for others to not be okay with it.

Do *boys* and immature males think menstruating is gross? Yes. However, men do not, so do not offend the men in your life by holding them accountable for what other people not in their category say and do. Boys think everything is gross. If I said to my husband or a close male friend, “I am in so much pain. This period is so bad, I’m literally bleeding through a pad every hour,” they would be concerned. Ask if they could do something. Or, at the very least, be sympathetic–that sucks…glad I don’t have to go through that. Which seems flippant, but it is sympathetic in theory.

Finally, I am posting below an article about how period blood is not unsanitary and how that should not be an argument about why women shouldn’t free bleed. The same sentiment was also echoed in another one of the articles, I believe. I am not a doctor or a scientist, and neither are these writers, so I can’t argue for sure one way or the other. My instant reaction is that it’s not sanitary to get your blood on things that other people might touch. If I cut my finger, are people concerned? If it’s bad enough, yes. However, do people run over and start rubbing my blood all over themselves? No. Medical professionals would put on gloves before dealing with all of the blood draining from my finger. The only time people would not worry about it would be if the wound was so bad that there was instant panic and a loved one was trying to help. They obviously wouldn’t worry about blood contact. I’m fairy confident in saying there are blood transmitted diseases. Maybe that doesn’t happen with menstrual blood. Maybe it does. If anyone reading this knows for sure one way or the other, please let me know. But, unlike the article that ranks bodily fluids in terms of how “gross” and “unsanitary” people think they are, I strongly argue against period blood being the worse. I think if I saw a lady walking into work with blood on her pants, I would not be even disgusted. But if I saw a lady walking into work and it was clear she had feces in her pants and seeping out, I would be disgusted. Sorry, but I would be. Same with urine. Would you be okay with men walking around just peeing in their pants and leaving it all day? I wouldn’t be. No way. I would say, that’s unsanitary…clean yourself up. It’s not anti feminist. It’s a concern for hygiene. As a society, we are concerned with hygiene. Even if you can’t get diseases from menstrual blood unlike regular blood, not everyone knows that (obviously…I don’t). So they would just automatically think that might be a problem.

Also, you would ruin other people’s stuff if it were acceptable in public. Work chairs, bus seats, friends’ vehicles…everything would have old blood stains and new blood stains on it. That would not be okay with me.

And as a final point, there is another point to address that one of the articles brought up. It was something along the lines of, if someone cuts their finger, people are concerned. If someone is bleeding in their pants, everyone is disgusted. I already said why not everyone is disgusted. Some people would be, others would not. There’s also the point that some people either faint or get faint at the sight of blood. Two branches here. First, if someone cuts their finger, they injured themselves. Your period is not an injury. It can cause some women a lot of pain, but it’s not a sudden injury to yourself. So why would someone be concerned if you had your period? And that’s why someone is concerned about another one cutting his finger. No one would probably be disgusted that you cut your finger, because, again, it’s a sudden, unintentional injury. You didn’t mean to do it, and you might need help (if it’s a bad cut). Second branch–If it wasn’t immediately obvious that it was menstrual blood, or if I reacted without thinking because free bleeding is not a norm, I would in fact be concerned if I saw someone with blood in their pants or running down their leg. There is more than one reason why someone would be bleeding in that general area (and you wouldn’t know which one, back or front, if there are pants on and it’s staining everywhere). If you have really bad ulcers in your colon or some forms of medical colon issues, you can bleed from your anus, and it’s a medical emergency. So there’s one reason for alarm. Two, miscarriages. Let me tell you about the time I started bleeding from my vagina and was not wearing a pad, so luckily it wasn’t that heavy at first. I was having a miscarriage. That is also a medical emergency in some cases. If the woman is far enough along, she needs to go to a hospital pretty quickly to make sure she stops bleeding, etc. So, yes, I would be concerned. When I have my period, there are times and days I’m pretty pale and look sick from either pain or going slightly anemic. So if you saw a lady with blood in her pants, pale, and looking like she was in pain, would you go, “OMG, gross, is that PERIOD BLOOD?” Or would you say, “Um, excuse me, are you okay??? Do you want me to get/call someone?” I think for most adults, it would be the second one (assuming someone around them was aware and concerned enough to even try to help).

All in all, whether this semi-hoax beginning will soon come to an end, or whether it will pick up some speed and more support from the general population, I don’t think it’s anti-feminist or misogynistic to not be behind free bleeding, whether you’re a guy or a girl. General concern about having blood everywhere is, I think, a general concern. It’s “disgusting” in that most people think you can transfer diseases through menstrual blood like regular blood (again, I’m holding off on whether that’s true or not), in that it stains everything and is generally hard to get out, and in that it does have a strong, not pleasant odor when there’s a lot and especially when it’s old. That does not make having a period disgusting. I think there are a lot of things out there that most people find cumbersome, uncomfortable, and just not fair that they have to do (wearing bras, wearing pants, public restrooms, etc)…but they do them anyways because we live with other people, familiar and strangers. If you’re in private, do what you will. If you’re out and about, you do have to consider other people to a point. This is just another one of those times.

Articles:

https://queerguesscode.wordpress.com/2014/03/22/its-not-unsanitary-period/

http://www.thedebrief.co.uk/news/real-life/free-bleeding-20150951976

http://www.bustle.com/articles/109552-what-is-free-bleeding-what-you-need-to-know-about-the-controversial-menstruation-movement

I’m out.

AV